I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
