Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
