She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
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So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
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TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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