Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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