i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
