just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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