I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
