Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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