if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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