I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
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100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
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I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way