i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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