Your face is a jimmy john
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.