I looked at my own cervix.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize