then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
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Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
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Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.