my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
