I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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