well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
high people should be assigned attendants
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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