Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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