You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
