Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
We need to rekindle our bromance
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
