your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
