I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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