Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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