Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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