Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
