How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
