I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
