i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
