3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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