I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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