You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
