my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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