I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
