Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
