But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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