i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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