took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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