I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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