So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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