I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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