My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
