I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
