Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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