either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
