my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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