my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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