I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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