i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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