Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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