just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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