What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
