K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
