My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
