Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
