We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
