just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Randomize
