how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Randomize
