remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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