Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
