You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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