I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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