We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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