i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
