You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
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