my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
