if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
